As adults, we often teach kids about the importance of being honest. We often tell them that they should speak about the truth only. They should never lie or hide anything from their parents.
Unfortunately, kids take that lesson way too far. From little observations to questions that come out of curiosity, they say things without even thinking about them. And honestly, that’s what makes them even more amusing and funny.
This is why Jimmy Fallon announced a unique challenge on Twitter. Using the hashtag #kidquotes, people share the funniest things they’ve heard kids say.
Here are the most hilarious ones:
1. The male anatomy
“My daughter, in 3rd grade, was learning about anatomy in health class.
Wife: What did you learn in health class today?
Daughter: I learned that boys have a penis and tentacles.” –Keith Bristol
This man has two options in dealing with this issue. He can either start looking for another school or he can teach his daughter the reality of a boy’s anatomy.
2. Mom vs the kitten
“My daughter asked me if we could buy a kitten and I said no because I’m allergic. Her response was “Well, you could sleep outside.”- Natalie L
This kid wanted to have a kitten so bad that she’s willing to trade her mom for it. She was even willing to make mom sleep outside. Poor mom!
“My son just got out of doc’s office where he got shots, came out crying and looked at all the other kids in the waiting and screamed “THEY HURT YOU IN THERE!”. You could hear a pin drop.” –Jeff Jones
I bet the other kids were shaking after this. They already find the idea of visiting the doctor scary. Hearing another kid actually say their fear is even scarier.
4. You do you.
“I’d rather be weird, than be you,” my daughter, after someone said she was weird for liking reptiles.” –Half of an M&M
It doesn’t matter what others think. What’s important is that you know who you are and that you are comfortable with yourself. Weird or not, you do you.
5. No filter
“At Easter Sunday mass one year, the priest call children up to the altar and told one little girl that her dress was very pretty. That little girl replied (into a microphone) “Thank you. My mom said it’s a b***ch to iron.” –Karen Lang
This is why it’s important for parents to be careful about what they say in front of their kids. They have this tendency to copy what you say and do.
6. Don’t stop.
“Olive Garden Waitress Shredding Cheese: “Tell me when you want me to stop.”
Kid whispering to himself: “Never!” – Gabby
We all have that one thing that makes us feel relaxed. In the case of this kid, it’s shredding cheese.
7. Out of the blue
Not a soul:
My 4 year old son in a busy grocery check out line:
Dad…my peepee got bigger again.” –Marcos J
Kids don’t think before they speak. While their innocence is amusing, it can also be embarrassing at times. I bet his dad’s face turned red after hearing his kid’s observation
8. On making Mama beautiful
“So my son is brushing my hair and trying to be a stylist and after brushing it this way and that he looks at me in the eyes with sincerity and says I’m sorry Mama I can’t make you beautiful.”- Crachel
Even though this kid wasn’t successful with his plan on making Mama pretty, at least he tried. The fact that he apologized for it is quite impressive, too.
9. A competition
“My five year old cousin said “Did you know that England and America are having a competition to see who can mess up their country the most and America is winning.” –Vicki
At 5, it’s impressive how this kid is already aware of what’s happening around him. It’s also good that he’s paying attention to politics.
“During a lesson about healthy habits with my kidergarteners…
Me: What vitamins do you take to stay healthy?
Kid: My dad takes vitamins!
Me: Do you know what he takes?
Kid: Viagra” -Meridith Ellis
This one’s hilarious. You can really rely on kids’ honesty. Unfortunately, they can be too honest sometimes.
11. Is it fun?
“Mom, when you fell down the stairs this morning… Was it fun? It looked fun.” –Killian
Kids sliding on the stairs might look fun. For older people, however, it’s a different story. I hope Mom was alright after that incident.
12. A different kind of sport
“I asked my friend’s little sister what her favorite sport was. In all her seriousness she said “Coloring.” Me too, kid”- Hayley Boyd
It might not look like a sport but it is what it is for this kid. I hope she practices a lot to excel in her “sport”.
13. Gloomy day
“Me: Camille, do you want to wear your pink sweater over your dress?
Camille: *puts on gray sweater over her black dress* No, I’m feeling dark and stormy today.”-Adrienne Glisson
Like adults, kids have bad days, too. And for those days, they like to dress up differently. I guess parents can use that as a cue to how their kids are feeling.
14. One concern
“My brother died at 34 with no children but we had to explain to our niece aged 6. We said usually people that die are older. She thought carefully about this & replied “I’m the youngest. Everyone else will die before me & I’ll be the only one left & I can’t even cook.” –Liz
While kids at this age have a good idea of what death means, they don’t really have a full grasp of the concept. It’s funny how she was more worried about being unable to cook than everyone else dying before her.
15. Encouraging oneself
“My son was trying to pee outside but nothing was happening so he quietly spoke to himself… “Come on little guy.”- Nicole Dryden
Well, you can’t blame the little kid or make fun of his pep talk. It’s hard to do your “business” when you are outside.
16. The elbow
“When our eldest was about 4, sitting on her dad’s lap she pointed at his Adam’s Apple and said “Daddy, why do you have an elbow in your neck?”- The Other Bindi
Children are always curious. You have to be prepared with an answer all the time.
17. Makes sense
“4-year-old: Why do we have to wear shoes?
Me: They protect your feet.
4: No, they trap your feet. *whispers They’re feet traps.” –Mommy Owl
This kid’s logic is spot on. While shoes do protect the feet, they don’t always feel comfortable.
18. Sounds the same
“Nephew was watching a Winnie the Pooh cartoon.
Narrator: “Everywhere I go, there is Pooh.”
3-year-old nephew: “Everywhere I go, I poo, too.” -James Roop
It’s good that this kid is listening well to what he’s watching. Eventually, he’ll learn that Pooh is different from “poo”.
“I was hugging my husband when my nephew tugged at the bottom of my shirt. We looked down at him and he says “hey, can I get in on this action?” –10ChelseaDagger
It must have been awkward for this couple. Their nephew didn’t just interrupt their moment but he even asked if he could join them.
20. On having the right attitude
“I was having an in depth conversation with my 4 year old niece about pokemon, when I told her that you can’t actually catch pokemon in real life, she told me” well not with your experience and attitude”, I told my brother to ground her for a month” –Emily Davidson
Well, she’s right. You can do almost everything if you have the right attitude.
21. All the ladies
“My dog Lady puppy had puppies, my son said name them all Lady so when I yell Lady all the ladies come running. He was 8” -Cristy van nest
This little boy is bound to be a ladies man in the future. He’s got the skills as early as 8 years old.
22. A crack in the butt
“My goddaughter slipped in her plastic and landed on her bottom. She run up to me because now “butt has crack in it.” -MJS
We all have butt cracks. It’s either she’s not aware of it or she has a new one.
23. The scale
“When my brother was little he ask my aunt how she make the scale go so high” –7babyduckyoongi
I don’t think the kid was being offensive. He’s just naturally curious, that’s all.
“When I was 6 years old, I remember getting my first GameBoy Advance for my birthday. I ask “if it’s called a GameBoy, why isn’t there a GameGirl?” –Raflocruzz99
I have the same question and I share the same sentiment. If there’s a GameBoy, there needs to be a GameGirl.
25. Boring iPad
“This Ipad isn’t fun” -A child to her father at the ATM” –Caylas master
Not everything that works with a touch screen should be considered as an iPad. I guess someone’s kid is spending way too much time on gadgets.
26. A different kind of love
“I was not kicking Brady, I was just loving him with my boot” –Gabby Bracho
Well, boys will be boys. They have a different way of showing affection.
27. A baby Batman
“Do you want the baby to be a girl or a boy?”
Wylder:” I want a baby to be a Batman” -Tara Chaput
Apparently, he doesn’t want an ordinary sibling. Good luck to Mom in bringing out a superhero into this world.
28. What an adult means
“My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t that she is a toddler. She replied, “No I’m grown up. I’m going to touch the knives” -Jess
We often say that only adults can handle knives and sharp objects. It’s probably the reason why this kid thinks that it’s what being an adult means.
29. Getting taller
“When my son was going through drawing paints I told him it was because he was getting tall. He said “Must be aunt Becky didn’t get those then.” Becky is my older sister and I’m taller.” -Country Queen
Poor Aunt Becky. Apart from being smaller, she wasn’t able to experience that.
30. A word from the wise
“My youngest daughter once said “sometimes bad thing are funny”. She also said “your soul is what you laugh with”. There are times when I think she is older than me… definitely wiser:)” –David Purzycki
There are children who seem to have an old person inside them. They speak with such wisdom that most adults don’t even have.
“I think I fart every time I see you” 5 year old. I think this is the nicest compliment I’ve ever gotten. -Grace Keller
Kids appreciate things differently, particularly this one. Instead of saying compliments, he farts.
32. The F word
” I told my kids never to say F word in public, unless they are with their dad.” -alychechan
This woman is allowing her kids to say the F word. They just have to make sure that they only say it when they’re with their father. I guess it’s to protect them if the F word doesn’t work.
33. Handsome dad
“Shave my beard for the first time in a year. My 3 year old loves it. Told me I look handsome since I’m a kid like him now.”-Kevin Knoll
Kids don’t lie. When they tell you that you look handsome, it’s probably true.
34. A little too honest
“Went with my 5 year old on a field trip for the fire station. She told everyone: ” when we cooked brownies, the oven was on fire.” -Kari Myers
I guess the family will be closely watched by the men at the fire station after hearing this. I doubt that they’ll even consider it as a joke.
“A kindergarden class was walking past my bond room on their way to music class when a little girl says loudly “He’s following me!” And her teacher stopped and said “You’re in a line. He’s SUPPOSED to follow you.” –The Adams Bandily
This kid looks like she’s been taught excessively about social distancing. She’s complaining even if the kid behind her was just following the line. It’s good that the teacher was able to point out that fact to her.
36. What’s broken?
“I pick up my dog and cat from the vet and said they’re both fixed. My kid asked, what was broken?” -Randy Sobtzak
Technically, when someone is sick, something isn’t working right in his body. The same thing is true when it comes to animals. Good thing that there are vets that can fix broken cats and dogs.
“5yo: I like drawing these cut up body parts mom! He was using stencils for the first time.” -Kayla Castillo
If you hear this from a grown-up man, it’ll probably sound creepy. Good thing that it was just a kid enjoying his first time using stencils.
38. Iron man as a teacher
“Let’s go to school, toys. Iron Man, you can be the teacher because you have armor.” – Adrianne
If Iron Man becomes a teacher, he won’t have a hard time getting his students’ attention. The only problem is that the kids will be more likely to stare at him than to focus on his lessons.
39. A tip for the little girls
” My niece and I went to the ladies’ room in a public place. I said” After we finish, we wash our hands and fluff our hair. She said,” But my hair already looks good.” –Christine Nichols
This woman thought that she’s giving her niece a helpful tip on confidence. As it turned out, the little girl already mastered the art of looking good.
40. Glow in the dark
“I ask my two year old what he wanted to be when he grow up… he said “I want to glow in the dark” –Ashley Edwards
That’s a cool dream right there! I’m not really sure how he’ll be able to achieve it, but I’m betting that he can do it. As they say, you got to aim high.