Printed advertising and notices are becoming less and less popular with the evolution of technology. Gone are the days where you would visit a bulletin board for the latest info. It’s all online now! But this creative (and possibly disturbed) guy has decided that he’s not ready to let go of tangible posters, and is giving people a reason to read them again. Alan Wagner and his partner Sydney Marquez have been posting up some hilariously wacky notices around their neighborhood, and they’re bound to make you crack up.
1) This poorly trained bird
“Yelled every name at it” kills me! That’s a lot of names. And I couldn’t help myself, so I went to the website listed at the bottom of the poster. To my complete surprise, it’s a real page. Not sure what the daughter part is about, but the rest of the post made me laugh out loud.
Please please please if this is your bird (is it a parrot?), contact him immediately!
2) This mysterious visitor
This is a spooky one. It would be scary enough to find a random guy sitting in your hot tub, let alone for five days. And don’t even get me started on the glowing eyes. The photo looks pretty legit though, don’t you think?
I’m also slightly worried about the state of the guy’s hands and toes being in the water that long – he must be pruney!
3) This vocalist
Sure, it would be awkward to have someone stare directly at you while they sing. But to be paid $15/hr for it? An absolute win.
I tried to call the number, and unfortunately only reached a Denny’s in Guam. It must have been a typo.
4) These strong men
This one was allegedly posted up by the hardware store. A pretty good marketing tactic!
It will either be seen by someone who’s just purchased some heavy equipment and needs a hand, or by someone who’s doing a DIY project as a way to cope with some tough times and probably just needs a shoulder to cry on.
They seem like the best two dudes for any job!
5) This very niche club
This is another one that has an actual website! There’s even an application form to fill out that includes questions like “what’s the best part of sand?”, and “how long do you like your gun?”.
The guy behind this is extremely dedicated… and seems to have a lot of time on his hands.
6) These… umm… diseased turtles
It’s probably not a great idea to bring any diseased species into your home. But this newspaper ad makes a lot of good points.
The phone line seems to have been disconnected now. Maybe it was such a success that Ricky ran out of turtles?
7) This unique and talented fortune teller
Does this count as physiotherapy? I personally wasn’t able to get through to the fortune teller, they must be busy with lots of knee pics. But based on the state of my knee/joint pain already, it’s not looking good.
I do aspire to own a minivan one day… but who doesn’t?
8) This human carpet cleaner
The before and after pic on this is incredible. He’s really talented! It’s possible that he and his aunt are vampires… but for a crisp carpet cleaning like this one, I’d invite them into my home anyway.
I do worry about why anyone would have a massive blood stain on the carpet though. But that’s none of my business.
9) These gender experts
I don’t know where to begin with this one. “Teach your daughter how to long hair” is pretty good. But I think the best part has to be the “call us before it’s too late”. As if your child will simply become genderless if they don’t know how to “bleed” or “ballet”.
10) This super cool transformer
This was funny enough to read as it was, but I died when I got to the “can do nude”. I did not need to envision this guy nude. Those are some pretty cool sunglasses though.
11) This milk pervert
This is uncomfortable. But you know I had to visit the website in any case. It’s just more photos of this woman standing like a ghost next to her bath tub with various men in it.
Would you choose soy, almond, or traditional?
12) This talented food sculptor
I think we can all agree that it would be pretty horrifying if your partner made a Soylent sculpture of you. But he’s issued a full apology on his website.
Really I would just like more details on how he even pulled this off. What is the science behind this?
But please, Natasha. Give him a second chance.
13) This guy that the world needs right now
Ooooooh the anti-vaxxers in the neighbourhood are going to be mad about this one!
I wonder if he’s expanded his horse series to cover COVID? I guess we need the free CD to find out, or to visit that lovely walk-in shed.
14) This aspiring musician
Okay, firstly, it’s important to me that you take note of “trobmone”.
I would gladly take little Toby there if he needed a new home – he’s such a cutie! But I have a feeling the wife wouldn’t love that… or the trombone playing, for that matter.
15) This heartfelt apology
- How does one lose a horse?
- Does this guy have an adequately sized property to adopt a random horse?
- “Do not contact me” with a phone number below
- “Should of”
This is gold.
16) This “lotion author”
My feedback is: I think you should consider another title for this one, it’s sounds a little scary.
But hey, we’ve all tried the perfumes or small lotion packets that come with a fashion magazine. They’ve usually got names like “Insolence” or “Unforgivable Woman”.
So why not this lady’s “Revenge” lotion packaged in a loose plastic bag?
17) This cryptocurrency economist
Finally, someone who can make bitcoin make sense! I’ve always wanted to invest in cryptocurrency but wasn’t sure it was the best way to spend my money. But now? I’m sold! On my way to collect as much dry gravel as I can and start building my Bitcoin empire.
18) This dyslexic dirt lover
Doland here is quite the creative spirit! I want to attend the seminar simply to understand all that is involved in throwing a dirt party. Forget toga or pool parties… dirt is the new hot theme.
19) This interesting pyromaniac
If you don’t have these as a way to celebrate passing biology class… you’re missing out on a big opportunity. But I am a little disappointed about his refusal to do reproductive organs.
And as someone who is not great with anatomy knowledge at the best of times, I had to google thormus. Turns out, that’s not a thing. However, the thymus is. It’s a gland behind your sternum that is only active until puberty. You learn something new every day!
20) This professor of all things ‘grandpa’ related
We all know that old person smell is a very distinct feature that all elderly people have – no exceptions. But how do they do it? Well, this guy knows.
21) This fixer of sins
That’s 17 whole “I CRAVE LORD”s if you’ve ever eaten a Trader Joe goat salad.
But honestly… you should have known better. Goat salad? Nah, not cool. Very sinful.
22) This person with trailer envy
To be fair, yeah it looks pretty nice. Unlike many of the other posters this one is very simple and to the point. The only downside, and what makes it very different from the others, is that there’s no phone number or website to visit to leave a reply.
I wonder if he’ll ever learn who it belongs to.
23) This woman who’s eligible to be on “My Strange Addiction”
Someone save this woman’s soul, she is not okay. But I do appreciate that she left a big pink warning, so that’s nice. We need to get on the phone and stage an intervention… immediately.
24) This kinda pervy guy who loves this cartoon film
RSVP quick, and make sure to get there early so you can leave before the eighth article of clothing is removed.
As usual, I went to the listed website but it redirected me to a private Facebook page. I feel a little excluded but also like my life would have been in danger if I went to the screening so, it all worked out.
25) This exciting live event
This is just one of those bets that needs to be settled. I’ve always wanted to know who would be better at insect identification, and now I can. $25 seems a little steep but how else will my burning question ever be answered?
26) This “freak” free dog
Aww poor Sparky! I would stock up on all the Soylent I could get my hands on and adopt this little fella. He doesn’t look like a freak to me.
27) This concerned child
I think, after seeing so many of these, my number one question is where this poster artist gets these photos. I need to know where he’s sourcing these images…or what kind of people he knows.
Anyone free to help little George out and contact his dad? Thanks.
28) This young entrepreneur
This is possibly the craziest one yet. Not only is the concept of a sauce amusement park wildly unsettling, there is a short video on the website with examples. You can watch a child slide into a pool of marinara sauce, or throw a hummus balloon.
I’m not saying you should, but you can.
29) This patient teacher
This one is very to the point. But hey, it looks like his help is in high demand, there’s already two contact numbers missing! Nice.
30) These geese and/or child that are in trouble
This was a big of a rollercoaster from start to finish. I too, have some questions for Ned. And need to know what happened on the evening of 13-12-18.
31) This essential service
Finally, a surgeon who will do this! I’ve been asking around and no one seems to offer it. This is the hottest new trend and I will not miss out.
32) This very exclusive party invite
“It’s my house and my meat so it’s my rules” are my new words to live by whenever I have a BBQ. He makes a very good point.
I wonder if there will be a height measurement chart at the front door? What do people that tall even talk about? I want to be invited so badly but I don’t meet the requirements!
33) These environmental activists
No one ever takes these droughts seriously enough. These people are carrying the weight of their issue on their backs. Single handedly saving the environment. One dehydrated cat at a time.
34) This useful app
I was broken hearted to discover that the app’s website was no longer in service. I was desperate to know if people could tell how many kids I have! (zero).
35) This search for a mysterious criminal
I must know what this man’s motives are. Where are you getting all the marinara sauce? How have you picked 11 locks?
The best part of this one is, once again, the website. There’s “real video evidence” of the culprit, the suggestion of Guerilla marketing techniques by Preggo, and of course, evidence of a jar under a pillow.
36) This very well-priced dog sale
By my calculations (the average price of each dog, $27.75 times 23 total dogs) you could buy every single one of his dogs for $638.25. That’s an absolute steal and I will even take the asshole dog.
However, it seems they’ve already been adopted, because the website is now out of service.
37) This skilled chopper
Okay okay okay the tire is impressive, yes. But you must visit the website. The chopper has written an original song and accompanying music video about all the things he’s chopped.
If that hasn’t sold you, there’s also a picture of a chopped bike and a picture frame with what I can only assume is his ex-girlfriend. Please visit.
38) This very dark event
The hay rides and pot luck sound fun. I could handle the refried beans contest (though I need to know what that entails). But unfortunately I think the horse burning is a wee bit too much for me.
Would you go?
39) This guy who has never failed
For some people, fitness is a way of life. I highly doubt there is any human on this planet who could get me off my ass and make me buff but… I’m almost intrigued enough to give him a call. Or, e-mail as it’s all he’s listed.
40) This man who’s organizing a march for himself
I feel for Corbo – being banned from the dog park would be absolutely heartbreaking. However, I will need some more details on why ol’ Corbo here has incited the entire dog park to ban him. I must know.
You’re also joking if you think I’m going to be up at 8am on a Saturday morning.
Would you stand for Corbo?
I am screaming at “email obscured as we do not wish to be contacted”.
American freedom really has no limits. People can worship as they please. I mean, this is definitely weird, but no one is stopping them.
42) This ankle attacker
Well at least they’ve given us the magic word. But yes, this is the stuff of nightmares and I would report the heck out of it. Imagine things like this were real? I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it. I never thought a poster could affect my mental health this way.
43) This strange egg exchange
A very important note on their website that was omitted from the poster – “please, no eggs exceeding 3lbs.”
Do you know how expensive it is to purchase a domain name? It’s about 30 whole dollars. So the dedication to these posters and their affiliated websites (and sometimes real phone numbers) is absolutely incredible. This may just be the best prank of all time! Which poster was your favorite?